Taking the Lead in Bed: 3 Positions for Consensual Power Play

You may have seen "the CEO" mentioned as a sex position. Here's the honest version: no standard, widely recognized position goes by that name. There's no agreed definition and no documented history. When people say it, they usually mean one partner sets the pace, the angle and the rhythm while the other lets go. That's a real thing many couples enjoy, and it works in plenty of well-known positions. Below are three of them, plus how to make each one comfortable and how to keep the power play fun for both of you.

Quick note before we start. "Taking the lead" here means a game two consenting partners agree to play in private. It has nothing to do with power at work. Using sexuality to gain status or pressure people in the workplace isn't leadership. It's harassment.

What Taking the Lead Actually Means

Leading in bed isn't about being rough or "dominant" in the porn sense. It means one person makes the decisions in the moment: when to speed up or slow down, which angle to try, when to pause. The other person agrees to follow, and can still change the plan at any time. Some couples keep the same roles, some swap often, and some only play with it now and then. All of those are fine. The person who leads takes on the job of paying close attention, not the right to ignore their partner.

1. Missionary With the Top Partner Leading

The receiving partner lies on their back with knees bent or legs open. The leading partner kneels or lies between their legs, holding their weight on their forearms or hands so they're not pressing down on the other person's chest. Because the top partner controls depth and speed, this is the easiest place to practice leading.

• Make it easier: put a pillow under the receiver's hips to change the angle and take strain off their lower back. If the leading partner's wrists or shoulders get tired, they can drop to their forearms.
• Add more: the leading partner can hold their partner's hands above their head. Only do this if you've already agreed on it, and keep the grip light enough that they could pull free. A hand or a small vibrator between your bodies helps many people with vulva-to-clitoris contact.
• Skip or adapt it if: the receiver is pregnant beyond the first trimester (lying flat on the back for long can feel uncomfortable or make them dizzy), or the top partner has wrist, shoulder or lower-back pain.

2. Partner on Top

This one flips the expected roles. One partner lies on their back, and the leading partner straddles their hips, kneeling with a knee on each side. From here the person on top chooses the depth, speed and angle by rocking, grinding or moving up and down. They can sit upright, lean forward with their hands on the bed, or lean back with their hands on their partner's thighs.

• Make it easier: put a pillow under each knee or do it on a softer surface. The partner underneath can help by holding the leading partner's hips, if that's welcome. Rocking back and forth usually tires the thighs less than bouncing.
• Skip or adapt it if: the person on top has knee or hip problems (try squatting with your feet flat, or use the chair version below instead). It's also worth slowing down if anyone feels sharp pain. At some angles, sudden downward pressure on an erect penis can cause injury, so move with control.
• Pregnancy: many people find being on top comfortable during pregnancy because nothing presses on the belly and they control depth. Follow your own comfort and any advice from your clinician.

3. Seated on a Chair

One partner sits on a sturdy armless chair with their feet flat on the floor. The other straddles their lap facing them, with their feet on the floor or knees resting on the seat if there's room. Either person can lead. The seated partner can guide with their hands on the other's hips, or the partner on top can set the rhythm by pushing off the floor. You're face to face and close enough to kiss and talk, which helps with checking in.

• Make it easier: use a solid chair with no wheels, no swivel and no wobble, and make sure it can safely hold both of your weights. A chair or sofa edge at a height where the top partner's feet reach the floor saves their thighs.
• Skip or adapt it if: the seated partner has lower-back or tailbone pain (a cushion behind the back helps), or the top partner's legs tire quickly. A sturdy sofa edge or the edge of the bed is a gentler option.

Safety Basics for Power Play

• Protection: who's leading doesn't change STI or pregnancy risk. Use condoms or other barriers and contraception the same way you would in any other position.
• Bodies first: back, neck, knee and hip limits always come before the role. If something hurts, stop, adjust or switch positions.
• No restraint without a plan: holding wrists, pinning or anything involving the neck needs explicit agreement in advance. Never apply pressure to the throat.
• Lube helps: when one person controls the pace, the other may need more time. Lubricant reduces friction and discomfort. Use a lube that's compatible with your condoms and toys.

Communication and Consent

Power play only works when both people actually want it. Talk before you start: who leads, what's welcome and what's off the table. Agree on a clear stop signal. A safe word like "red" works, or a double tap on the arm if talking is hard. Agreeing to follow doesn't mean giving up your voice. Either partner can pause, change the plan or end things at any point, and that's respected immediately, no sulking. Afterward, a quick "What did you like? What would you change?" turns a one-time experiment into something you both look forward to.

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