Spicing things up rarely means doing something wild. More often it means doing something slightly different, on purpose, with someone who has said a clear yes. Below are five moves that work for many couples: one about pace, two positions, one about trust, and one about toys. Each comes with ways to make it easier and with signs that it isn't the right move for you today.
A quick note before you start: none of this is a test you can pass or fail. Bodies, energy levels and moods change. A move that doesn't click is useful information, not a failure.
Start With a Conversation, Not a Surprise
The best way to try something new is to bring it up outside the bedroom, when nobody is half-undressed and feeling put on the spot. Try "I read about something I'd like to try. Can I tell you about it?" rather than "We never do anything new." Talk about what each of you is curious about, what is a firm no, and what is a "maybe, if we go slowly." Agree that either of you can pause or stop at any point, including halfway through something you both wanted, and that stopping won't lead to sulking or pressure.
Move 1: Slow Everything Down
Speed is the easiest thing to change, and it's often the most surprising. Many approaches inspired by Tantric sex focus on breath, eye contact and unhurried touch rather than on reaching orgasm quickly. (Tantra itself is a broad spiritual tradition. The sexual practices popular in the West are only a narrow slice of it.)
Try this: set a timer for ten minutes during which nobody touches genitals. Take turns touching your partner's arms, back, neck and thighs with your fingertips, a soft brush or your breath, and have the person receiving say what feels good. Breathing slowly together, chest to chest or one partner spooning the other, can help both of you get out of your heads. If lying still with someone's attention on your body makes you anxious, shorten the time or keep a light shirt on. Going slowly is meant to feel relaxing, not like a performance.
Move 2: Doggy Style, With a Few Tweaks
In doggy style, the receiving partner is on hands and knees and the other partner kneels behind them. It works for vaginal or anal penetration, with a penis or a strap-on. It often allows deeper penetration than face-to-face positions, so start slowly and let the receiving partner set how deep and fast things go.
- Make it easier: put a pillow under the receiving partner's hips, or have them lower their chest onto the mattress so their wrists don't carry their weight. A folded blanket under the knees helps both of you.
- Gentler version: the receiving partner lies flat on their front with a pillow under their hips, and the other partner lies over them, propped on their forearms. Penetration is shallower and you're closer together.
- Add touch: either partner can reach the clitoris or genitals by hand or with a small vibrator.
- Skip or adapt it if: deep thrusting causes pain (for example from bumping the cervix), your knees, wrists or lower back hurt, or you feel disconnected without seeing your partner's face. In pregnancy, many people find hands and knees comfortable because nothing presses on the bump. Keep penetration shallow and follow your clinician's advice if there are any complications.
Move 3: Reverse Cowgirl
In Reverse Cowgirl, one partner lies on their back and the other straddles their hips facing their feet, with knees on either side. The partner on top controls the depth, angle and rhythm. Many people with a vulva find that leaning slightly forward or back changes where they feel the pressure along the front vaginal wall. The clitoris usually needs extra attention from a hand or a toy.
- How to get in: the partner on top lowers themselves slowly, using their hands on the bed or on their partner's thighs for balance. Start with small rocking or grinding movements before trying bigger up-and-down strokes.
- Make it easier: the lying partner can bend their knees so the rider has something to lean against. Leaning forward onto the partner's shins takes the strain off your thighs.
- Safety note: if a penis slips out and the rider comes down on it at an angle, it can bend painfully, and penile injuries do happen in rider-on-top positions. Keep strokes shorter at first. If there's a sudden sharp pain, stop and get checked.
- Skip or adapt it if: your thighs or knees tire quickly (switch to sitting on the edge of the bed, with the other partner seated behind you), or if lying flat on the back is uncomfortable for the partner underneath. Later in pregnancy, the pregnant partner usually does better on top than lying on their back.
Move 4: Blindfolds and Light Restraint, Done Safely
Taking away one sense, as in sensory deprivation, can make every touch feel bigger. Light restraint can add a sense of trust and anticipation. Both only work when the person being blindfolded or restrained feels completely safe, so this move comes with ground rules:
- Agree on it beforehand. Talk about what you'll do, what's off-limits and how long you'll keep it up. Don't introduce a blindfold or cuffs as a surprise.
- Use a safeword and a signal. A simple system is "green" (keep going), "yellow" (slow down or check in) and "red" (stop now). Also agree on a non-verbal signal, such as dropping a small object or tapping three times, in case speaking is hard.
- Choose gear you can undo instantly. Wide, padded cuffs with Velcro or buckles are much safer than cheap metal handcuffs, which can tighten and press on nerves in the wrist. You should be able to slip two fingers between cuff and skin. Keep the key or a pair of safety shears within reach.
- Know the limits. Never put anything around the neck, never leave a restrained person alone, and avoid alcohol or other substances that blur judgment. Check in often. Numbness, tingling, coldness or a change in skin color means release right away.
- With a blindfold, narrate. Say what you're about to do ("I'm going to touch your shoulder"), especially at first, so the sensations feel exciting rather than startling.
Anyone can stop at any time, even if it was their idea. Afterward, spend a few minutes cuddling, drinking water or talking about what you liked. This aftercare matters as much as the play itself.
Move 5: Bring a Toy Into Partnered Sex
A toy isn't a replacement for a partner. It's an extra pair of hands. A small vibrator held against the clitoris or perineum works in almost any position, including the two above. Choose body-safe materials such as silicone, use plenty of lube (water-based is the safe default, because silicone lube can damage some silicone toys), and clean toys according to the manufacturer's instructions. If you share a toy, or move it between anus and vagina, put a fresh condom on it each time. Barriers matter for STI prevention with toys just as they do with bodies. Anything used anally needs a flared base.
Keep Talking During and After
Check-ins don't have to kill the mood. A quick "More like this?" or "Slower?" while you're in the moment, and a relaxed "What was your favorite part?" the next day, help you both learn what works. If something hurt or felt off, say so kindly and without blame. That is how trust builds, and trust is what makes trying new things feel easy.
FAQ
What if my partner isn't interested in what I suggested?
Accept the no without pushing, and ask whether a softer version appeals to them. For example, a blindfold without restraints, or just the slow-touch exercise. You can bring it up again later, but don't keep wearing them down until they agree.
How often should we try something new?
There's no right number. Some couples like a new idea every few weeks. Others are happy with familiar sex and an occasional change. Go with what you both actually enjoy, not with what you think you "should" be doing.
Is it okay if we try something once and never again?
Absolutely. Trying something and deciding it isn't for you is a perfectly good result. You learned something about each other.
